Fake It Till You Make It

I'm not a naturally upbeat and enthusiastic person. I want to be, and sometimes I am, but my natural mode is reserved and quiet,sometimes depressed sometimes quietly content. This tendency in me has come to bother me more and more. Like I said, I want to be one of those happy-go-lucky persons that people are drawn to. In fact, I usually gravitate toward them, hoping some of their spirit will rub off on me.

Before almost every class I teach, I hear an old saying of my old voice teacher, Cindy. "Fake it till you make it." She would always tell me this whenever I was in a bad mood, but had to sing or practice or do whatever anyway. "Fake it till you make it." For some reason this, out of everything she ever told me, has stuck with me. I've found it means even more to me now that I'm teaching.

In today's society, the word "fake" has such a negative connotation. It's often synonymous with insincere. But for me at least, "fake" has taken on a whole new meaning. I'm not talking about changing my personality or character to fit in with a crowd or to manipulate (well, maybe manipulate, but in a good way). Rather, I'm talking about faking my apparent emotions and feelings in order to make the people around feel happier and more relaxed so that they can enjoy learning.

I hate going into class with a bad mood or feeling tired or depressed. The last thing I want is for my classes to feel I'm taking my personal feelings out on them. So, I "fake" it. As soon as class starts I'm jumping around, changing my face and voice tones, doing everything I can to get my students to participate and enjoy the lesson. During the 45 or 90 minutes of class, I'm a stranger to myself. The thing is, "faking" can actually lead to "making" it. By the end of class, I usually do feel somewhat better (most of the time). And, I think overall, most of my students appreciate the crazy me instead of the more subdued or angry me they would otherwise get.

The thing is, it is really frustrating when I pour out all of this energy and enthusiasm (which I really don't have), and it comes back unreturned. I mean I make myself exhausted every day just to try to help them a little. But then I get those classes where everyone just sits and answers questions with one word, and they drive me absolutely crazy. Of course, sometimes, if you push hard enough and refuse to move on, they'll comply with some amount of grumbling. But still, it makes me feel awful - especially since they're adults. I mean, I expect it of teenagers, but adults? Their seeming apathy makes me feel useless. I didn't know if I was even getting through to them.

The thing is, the class itself isn't bad. I really enjoyed almost everyone in there. But there were three different levels within the one class level. The advanced students were already brilliant and didn't need me, and the struggling students continued to struggle. They laughed at my "enthusiastic" antics and complained about the lessons after class sometimes. It got to the point where I had to ask if someone else could take them.

So today, I told them that next class they would have a new teacher. I almost started crying, because I did have a couple special students in the class I enjoyed and I knew liked me. Several students asked me why. Evidently, some of them, some of the students I thought were merely tolerating me, actually liked my "faked" attempts at enthusiasm. My craziness and bizarre behaviour appealed to them. I have to admit that it relieves me to find out that I did make a small difference - albeit unknowingly. Still, what's done is done. Hopefully they will learn and grow more with a new teacher. Hopefully they understand that it is not them personally that made me move.

Sincerely,
Your Russian Traveller